7 Tips for Victorian Happiness

  1. Avoid puddles at all cost. Puddles are the number one cause of pneumonia and pneumonia is the number one cause of death
  2. Don’t use the stairs. These are built to kill and are especially dangerous if you are given over to fainting spells or have a breakable neck.
  3. Always turn down the gas. If you are going to live your life with an explosion waiting to happen, it’s best to not forget about it.
  4. Wear a carriage crash helmet. Though not legally required, doing this statistically reduces the chance of injury, as does the absence of horses.
  5. Locate the grave of your intended’s previous spouse. This will help to ensure a happy marriage. Also, if you meet a nice gentleman, check his basement to see if he keeps a crazy wife. Just saying.
  6. Be wanted so that you can be rich. It is a well known fact that a single woman can be economically benefited by marrying a man in possession of a fortune. To obtain one, you can either be really smart (a.k.a. intellectual) or virtuous.
  7. Last but not least, ensure the death of your parents at an early age. Let’s face it, orphans are the best! This is the way to become rich if you’re a child unlike number 6. Often times a rich philanthropist will pick you up (usually really your grandpa or the king).
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12 thoughts on “7 Tips for Victorian Happiness

  1. This cracked me up! 😀 Sounds too much like the typical stories one might read set in Victorian times. Or even other times. Orphans are best, because who wants to have parents, right? And those dreadful puddles! If I were to even get a toe wet I would be in danger of an early death.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. That’s great, Paul! I’ll have to keep those in mind. 🙂 Oh, but you may want to check the attic, too, for those former-wives-gone-mad. And every room in the house. And if you hear unearthly screams – no matter WHAT explanation he has for them – RUN!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. This was so much fun to read!

    Of course, you have to insist on meeting the mysterious hero’s family early on, also, to be sure there are no conniving stepmothers or sisters or cousins!!

    Liked by 1 person

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